It's now been just over a year since I decided to write the story of my life. Alot has changed. When I read my last post, I laugh at how naive I was. There is one sentance which gets to me in particular: "It's now been months since I last cut. That is truely behind me". I'm not sure why I thought I'd defeated it, to be honest, I don't think I ever will. The following post will explain what has been happening in the past year, and how much my life has changed.
'I Just Want To Be Happy' are the words of a selfish child. That's what I've been told in the past, and I can see the truth in it. For years, that's the phrase which went through my mind more than anything. All I wanted was to be a normal, happy girl. Now, of course, I wonder whether I'd prefer to live my life over and have my wish granted: to be happy. Or whether I wouldn't change a thing, and keep the strength and belief I have instead. It's hard to know which one I'd want.
In my last story I wrote of being in college, and the effect that had on me. From the wonderful gift of meeting my tutor, who will stay in my heart forever, to the embarrassment of suffering panic attacks and not feeling I had any friends. I am no longer in college. I spent a total three years of my life there, and to be honest, I loved it. Maybe not at the beginning, and there were certainly times I wanted to quit, but looking back, I went on such a ride in that college. I went in a young, shy, depressed little-girl, and came out a strong, open minded woman. The journey I travelled to get from a girl to a woman was one which I will never forget. Nor will I forget the people who I encountered in that journey: the people who made me feel worthless, the people who made me feel special. The ones who gave me the slightest glimmer of hope, and the ones who mentally kicked me to the ground, and spat.
After leaving college, I managed to stay happy. My life consisted of going to work for about 10 hours a week, coming home, going on the internet to talk to my friends and work on my site. Looking back, I was happy because I wasn't doing anything. There was nothing to challenge me. That soon changed.
On November 26th 2007, I started a new full-time job. It was something I had not done before. I was now employed to care for people with physical disabilities. [I had only cared for older people, and older people with dementia]. I imagined the job endlessly in my mind. Trying to imagine what it was going to be like. I imagined going in to an environment filled with happiness, laughter and empathy. My first day quickly brought me back down to reality.
The minute I walked into the building, I knew I'd been thinking the wrong thing. It was hectic. Unfortunatly, I started my job roughly the same time as the builders had started doing work there. All I could hear was men shouting, hammering and drilling, and all I could see was people rushing around. My manager showed me round the building, and showed me how to use the various pieces of equipment. She introduced me to some of the service users, and I was shocked to see some of them were only a couple of years older than me. I've always been a bit weary of people my age. I find them intimidating, so I knew it would be a challenge to care for them. I wont go into too much detail, but by the end of that first day, I knew I was in for one hell of a ride. At 5:00pm, I got my coat and bag out of my locker and walked home in the dark. I remember the walk so clearly. I remember trying my hardest not to cry. I felt so sorry for myself at that point. I felt like a scared little girl who was just desperate to get back to mummy. That night I cried more than I had cried in the previous weeks. As soon as I thought I'd cried it all out, I'd cry a bit more. I don't know why I was crying, and I still don't.
Those next few weeks were some of the hardest in my life. I felt so weak, like the past year hadn't happened at all. I yearned to be back at college, a time which felt comfortable. Instead I was stuck in the hard world of full time work. It may not sound like much to some, but spending 40hours a week caring for other people is exhausting. You get up in the morning, and go to work. The second you get there, you become someones 'slave'. I use the word 'slave' lightly, because although that's not how it is in most cases, you do get a few people who will treat you like a worthless piece of shit who is there to fulfill their every need.
I may sound like I don't enjoy my job. That's wrong. I really do like my job. I have met a lot of amazing people through it. And I have learnt more than is possible to say! Every day is a new lesson. Every day is also a new challenge.
There were alot of times in my first few weeks of work where I would go into the bathroom, and cry. I felt so worthless, and so weak. And, I'm ashamed to say, I did start cutting again. Not as much as before, but on average I would cut two or three times a week.
Thankfully, things did get better. I have now been working there for almost 6 months. I still learn new things everyday, and still find it highly stressful, but now I love it. Some of the servise users have really made me see things in a new light. I get alot of people say to me "I really admire you for what you do", and it makes me laugh. I laugh because, I really admire the people I care for. In my mind, they're the ones who deserve praise. I am thinking of one servise user in particular, who has quite a severe disability which has left him unable too do much for himself at all. He can not feed, dress, wash or get a drink on his own. Yet, he manages to always bring a smile to my face with his sweet nature. He is always smiling, and will always put 100% in whatever he does. I admire him more than I can possibly say, and I think it's people like him who deserve to be praised and looked up to.
I have not cut in around a month. It may not sound like much, but it feels like a lifetime. Cutting is like an addiction, and that is one thing people don't seem to understand. I've had people say to me 'you only cut to get attention', and that honestly couldn't be further from the truth. I cut because it gives me control. It gives me release. There are millions of self-harmers out there who feel exactly the same way.
One of people who I love more than anything used to be a heroin addict. We sometimes have discussions about the differences between heroin and self harm, and we couldn't find many. Both give a sense of relief, both help you forget your problems, if only for a minute. And both are extremely hard to give up as they are highly addictive. Thankfully, this person has managed to overcome his addiction and has now been clean for just over a year. He has helped me more than anyone to overcome self harm. He knows better than most how hard it is to give up something you rely on so much. But in my eyes, he is living proof that it is possible. And that is one of the many reasons I fell in love with him.
I still think about my Nan every day. The slightest thing will remind me of her. A song on the radio at work, an old lady in the shopping mall, a child with their grandmother, a tin of Salmon [my Nan used to buy me salmon all the time]. But now when I think of her, I smile. I know she's looking down on me, and I know she is cheering me on. I can see now, the death of my Nan not only lead me to try and end my life, but it made me want to live it. There is a piece of my Nan in my heart. Things I do, I do for her. She gives me the strength to carry on, and I would not change that for the world.
So people who read this, may think 'nothings changed. She cut then, she cuts now', but that's not how it is. I have been through the most incredible, paniful and challenging journey in the past year. It may seem like I've gone backwards in my progress, but I havn't. I know that now. There were so many times I felt like giving up, so many times I cried and cursed at myself. Telling myself how useless and pathetic I am, telling myself how ugly I am. Persuading myself that others are talking about me. Planning to harm me. But here I am, still telling my story, with a smile on my face, and an amazing man by my side.
So I live to fight another day. And just like my man, I am proof that it is possible to overcome those demons that haunt you. You can win. That's what I'll be doing.
Copyright © to Shell - onceforgotten.co.uk